Remember when you were a kid and you borrowed your parents’ video camera to make movies, usually with the neighborhood kids? Inevitably, you would produce a Star Trek movie.
J. J. Abrams did that exact same thing only his Star Trek movie had a $150 million budget and was released by Paramount.
The original Star Trek cast (above) versus the Star Trek 2009 cast.
Abrams’ Star Trek, the 11th of the franchise, lost Land of Punt as soon as the Beastie Boys’ Sabotage blared through the entertainment system of a vehicle powered by an internal combustion engine (i.e. a car).
With less intelligence than half an episode of Star Trek: The Animated Series, Abrams’ Star Trek 2009 is two painful hours of loud, obnoxious action with characters that just happen to have the same names as the characters from the original series.
Gene Roddenberry isn’t rolling over in his grave he’s dug himself out and is now tracking Abrams down. “Brains!”
The movie is more of a wacky-comic romp through space than a well-thought out science fiction action-drama.
At times Star Trek seemed less like a movie and more like a bad sketch.
Chris Pine’s Kirk is great if the Enterprise was a zany college fraternity. He has no chemistry with anyone in the cast.
Zachary Quinto, who plays Spock, is absolutely awful. We’ve seen better Spock impersonators at Star Trek conventions.
McCoy, overacted by Karl Urban, basically jams every McCoy-ism he can think of into the dialogue, regardless of whether or not it makes any sense. Of course that problem plagues the entire script. Also, his hair was the single most distracting object in the history of western cinema.
John Cho plays Sulu…
Simon Pegg is Scotty, at least we think he was. We’re actually not sure what character Pegg was playing. LOP believes the filmmakers forgot all about Scotty and added him at the last moment.
Anton Yelchin’s Russian accent was as ridiculous as it was insulting. The person who allowed Yelchin to play Chekov like that, should be dematerialized.
Winona Ryder plays Spock’s mom. Her makeup is excellent—they really did a good job to make her look younger (you’ll get that joke when you see the movie).
Tyler Perry appears in the film as an admiral. He’s ’s the head of Tyler Perry’s Starfleet Academy.
Eric Bana plays the bad guy and he’s unbelievably average. Of course, that’s what you expect from a Star Trek film. Besides Khan, the franchise has never been known for their villains.
Zoe Saldana’s Uhura and Bruce Greenwood’s Captain Christopher Pike are awesome. They’re the best parts of the movie.
The Enterprise is always cool. Not even Abrams can screw that up.
Land of Punt serious doubts if the screenwriters, Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, ever even saw the original series… or the inside of a science classroom.
Abrams’ direction was great for a CW program. Land of Punt expected the movie to go to a commercial break followed by a couple of trailers for Reaper and Gossip Girl.
The incomparable Leonard Nimoy reprises his role as Spock. Despite pushing 106, Nimoy was fabulous, kudos to him. His appearance also revealed that Vulcans get shorter as they age (you’ll get that joke too when you see the movie).
And yes, Nimoy’s Spock meets Quinto’s Spock (surprise) in the culmination of the best aspect of the movie and the only part of the movie with any Star Trek quiddity.
To explain away the parts of the movie that deviate from Star Trek cannon (i.e., to mask the filmmakers’ laziness and lack of imagination) Star Trek 2009 is set in an alternate timeline.
Star Trek 2009 looked great but had none of the charm of any previous incarnation of the franchise
While extremely cheesy, it’s quintessential Star Trek. Therefore LOP will overlook the fact that this gimmick gives Paramount carte blanche to basically do whatever they want with a franchise that’s a bona fide, box office hit.
In other words, the plot device was more commercial than it was creative.
Unfortunately, the revelation that Star Trek is set in an alternate timeline was hurriedly compacted in a 100 second montage conveniently introduced by a Vulcan mind meld. Yes, the script is that vapid.
This movie can best be described by the following phrase, “Star Trek Go Boom!” While it “updates” the franchise it completely lacks the spirit of Star Trek.
In a stroke of utter stupidity, reminiscent of Superman Returns (remember that filmmakers omitted the line, “American Way”) Pike nonchalantly mentions to Kirk Starfleet’s mission. He does so in such a condescending way that it feels like the movie is mocking Star Trek’s principles of peaceful coexistence and exploration.
Then at the end of the film, in the ultimate insult to the spirit of Star Trek, Kirk and Spock brutality blast the helpless Romulans out of the sky (space).
That’s not how Star Trek rolls.
This movie is style over substance and it lacks humanity. If that’s what “updating” means then we want our old Star Trek back.
Quinto and Pine had absolutely no chemistry together. Pine was way over his head in the role of Kirk and Quinto was downright awful as Spock.
Popularity: 9% [?]
Who cares about the original, it was on like 100 years ago. This Trek rulz. Can’t wait for sequelz.
Fangirl,
What’s with the “z” instead of the” s? ” Does that add to your learned evaluation of the movie?
Fact is, without some appreciation of the original series you can’t even begin to evaluate – for good or bad – this movie. If you don’t connect those dots it’s no different from any run of the mill Sci Fi flick.
That said, I disagree on a few counts. I thought the new Spock was good and probably as close as anyone could ever get to being the icon that is the original. Same goes for McCoy.
Sulu and Chekov were good too, but only if you look at them as younger version of the grownups we saw in the series. Then again I guess that applies to all of them
As to Kirk. The new guy is good but didn’t capture the intensity of Shatner’s version. Maybe that will come with time.
The one thing I do agree with totally is about Simon Pegg. I love the guy but Scotty he will never be.
Oh, and that was Winona Ryder? I had no clue.
TRO,
Good point about Spock. That’s an absolute impossible role to tackle especially with Nimoy in the movie. However, I always felt like Quinto was “doing” Spock not that he “was” Spock.
Whiney a** fan boys. Go make your own Star Trek movie, nothing is stopping you except your own laziness. Nimoy actually approved Quinto as Spock and they spoke about it at Comic Con, so if Spock can Bless Spock, you should too.
Again, if you don’t like it, Make a better movie, I dare you.
Chubbygirl,
You referenced ComicCon and that makes you the bigger fan boy.
Hollywood is suppose to make a better movies than I can make. That’s why they’re Hollywood.
This review may be harsh but its thoughtful and it presents many reasons why the movie isn’t very good. If you think the review is incorrect present your case.
Daring me to make a better movie is dodging the issue. You didn’t once reference a scene or a performance in the movie that contradicts the review.
If anyone is a zealous fan it’s you.
Fanboys? Who knows what is said at ComicCon? Obviously you do, but certainly not me.
And your anger over any criticism of the movie only shows how obsessed you are with it. I’m thinking you’re the Fanboy, not us.
Tell the truth, you have a way to tight fitting Uhura uniform, don’t you?
I loved the movie, I’ve seen it many times, and I own every Star Trek prodution since the original series in the 1960′s The Star Trek umbrella is capable of covering a big diversity of plots, which includes both thinking inside the box and outside of the box. A story line outside of someone else’s box does not make it not Star Trek.